tears on an empty pillow
by laurafka
Summary: Passion post ep, because Whedon didn't include enough emotion in Jenny Calendar's death. COMPLETE


_For Hannah_

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><p>"I'm worried about Giles."<p>

Buffy and Willow had been having a nice lunch (well, as nice a lunch as you can get if you live in Sunnydale) when Xander walked up. Now, understandably, Xander walking up to his two best friends on a (relatively) normal day is completely ordinary, but today, Xander was supposed to eat with Giles in the library (something about "studying for history" and a loud groan).

Willow immediately looked up (well, of course she did, she's _Willow_), and met Xander's eyes. Buffy, however, continued to stare at the squishy cheese sandwich pressed between her fingers.

"What do you mean?" Willow asked, concern filling her mind as she thought about her favorite librarian. Giles was like a second father to all of them, and if something was wrong, she wanted to know about it.

Buffy squeezed the sandwich between her fingers, watching a sickly green liquid pour out the sides, a different sort of frown on her eyebrow as she stared intently at what was her lunch. "I'm sure he's fine," she said calmly, not taking her eyes off of the sandwich.

"Well, I went in there to, you know, study, and he had locked himself in his office, with the shades pulled," Xander said, looking down at his fingers and trying not to make eye contact with Cordelia, who was sitting two tables down.

Buffy sighed. "Xander, I'm sure he's fine, he _does_ spend a bit of time in that office, you know," she said matter-of-factly. Willow just frowned, staring off into the distance.

"Yeah, but does he usually sit on the floor with his desk pushed off to the side?"

Buffy set the sandwich down and looked up at Xander, a sort of spark flying in her eyes.

"You know, after… well after last week, I just thought—"

Immediately, a chirpy voice cut Xander off. "What about last week?"

Cordelia Chase was walking briskly towards the table, her Givenchy perfume getting stuck in everyone's noses.

"Well, you know…" Xander trailed off, but Buffy filled in for him.

"Ms. Calendar," she said abruptly.

Cordelia sighed, rolling her eyes ever so slightly. "Ah, yes, Ms. Calendar. What a _tragedy_," she said insensitively.

"If you don't have anything _useful_ to contribute, then why are you here?" Buffy asked, glaring at the brunette.

"Well… I just heard you guys talking about Giles, and I wanted to say I was concerned. One of his shirttails wasn't tucked in and his jacket was _all_ in disarray!" she said, eyebrows rising in outrage. Then, she whispered, "I think there's something _wrong_ with him."

"Thanks for stating the obvious, Cordy!" Xander snapped. She scoffed and turned on her heels, and Xander couldn't help but stare after her as she walked.

Willow let out a small, indignant noise, but no one noticed. "I saw Giles the other day at the pawn shop down the road from my house, and it seemed odd to me because he usually doesn't go that far from the library, especially not to shop at a _pawn_ shop—"

"Willow," Xander said, cutting the red-head off. "The point," he said, gesturing with his hands.

Her eyes lit up. "Ah! Sorry! Anyway, he was buying a board game, which I thought was weird," she said, frowning again.

Buffy joined her frown. "Giles doesn't strike me as the board game type," she said, staring at the library doors.

Xander piped up. "We should investigate!"

"Yeah!" Willow chimed in. Then she frowned again. "Wait, no! We should let him work this one out on his own," she said, trying to do the right thing.

Xander pouted, turning to Buffy. The blonde shook her head. "I have to go with Will on this one, Xan. This is his problem, he needs to work it out."

Just then, the bell began to ring, and Buffy and Willow both stood up, packing their lunches and walking to class. Xander, who had no intention of actually _attending_ class, stood dumbfounded in the courtyard.

"Xander?"

Xander turned around to find a head of (now) blonde hair and brooding blue eyes staring at him.

"Oz! Oz-man, perfect timing!" Xander said, awkwardly clapping the smaller man on the shoulder. Finally, he subsided. "I need your help."

"Okay, shoot."

"I'm worried about Giles," Xander said, going on the same spiel he went on to Buffy and Willow. But Oz had a different reaction. "So, will you help me?"

"Yeah," Oz said, his eyebrows knitting together.

"Okay, meet me right _here_, tonight at eight. Got it?"

Oz nodded, eyes widening ever so slightly.

The bell rang again and the boys parted ways.

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><p>That night, Buffy was on patrol, and Willow had so much homework she was sure she wouldn't be able to leave her room for the next week. <em>Dingoes Ate My Baby<em> was supposed to be playing at the Bronze that night, and Xander claimed to be spending his night cheering Oz on in Willow's name.

This gave Giles the night off. Worriedly, he stalked around the library, stopping only to check his textbook. Yes, the stars were still aligned properly after five minutes of pacing. Suddenly, he heard the clock in the hallway strike eight.

Taking a deep breath, Giles walked into his office and sat down in front of the Ouija board on the floor. Placing each of his index fingers in the specified locations, he began to speak.

"Jenny," he whispered. "Jenny, are you here?"

For a moment he sat, unaware of Xander Harris's watchful eyes on the back of his neck. Then, the planchette began to move. It slid across the board, until it hovered over the 'yes' stamp.

He let out a strangled gasp. "Jenny," he mumbled, a tear beginning to fall from one eye. "I'm sorry," he whispered, and the tears began to flow faster.

The planchette flew from letter to letter as he watched, eyebrows knitting together softly. The final letters spelled out DON'T BE.

"But I am! I am so sorry," he continued, still unable to hear her. "It was my entire fault, you shouldn't have… you shouldn't have died," he choked on the last word.

The planchette began to move again, this time spelling out, I FORGIVE YOU.

Suddenly, a waterfall of words began to spill out of his mouth. "Have you ever had a moment in your life that everything else seems to revolve around? Where it's all you can think about, all you can understand, all you can focus on, and there is nothing else in the world that matters to you? Where you can recall each and every burning second of that moment, and yet you find yourself unable to go back?"

Once again, the planchette moved to the 'yes' stamp.

"Jenny, you were my rock, my love, my everything and always and forever, and now…" he said, his voice exasperated. "Now you're just tears on an empty pillow, and I don't know what to do!" he yelled angrily, slamming his hand on the board. Then, the library teacher, the one who had read so many books and learned so much in his years, was lost for words. "What do I do, Jenny?" he choked.

LET ME GO

Now the tears began to flow. He was forced to remove his glasses and dab furiously at the tears that flooded with his pocket-handkerchief. He quickly returned his fingers to the planchette as it moved again. I LOVE YOU, it spelled.

"I love you too, Jenny," he whispered, glasses fogging.

The planchette slid across the board, stopping at the 'goodbye' stamp. And then it moved no more.

Rupert Giles sat there for a long time, unable to move or think. When he finally did stand up, he shook his head softly, pulling his glasses off and cleaning them with the handkerchief. While he wasn't looking, Xander ducked behind the bookshelf, marveling at what he saw.

Maybe Willow was right, maybe he shouldn't have intruded. But he did, and now he had to live with what he had seen.

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><p>The next day, the three friends gathered at lunch. Buffy and Willow talked aimlessly about a Chemistry test as Xander stared off into the distance, eyes trained on Giles. The librarian definitely looked different, although Xander was unsure if he could classify it as "better". He supposed that that was the best that Giles <em>could<em> look after a night like that, and now he knew it was time to let it go.

"Hey, Xan, you okay?" Buffy asked. When the man didn't respond, Buffy began running her hand over his eyes. "Xander," she said smoothly. "Anybody home?"

He shook his head quickly. "Yeah, sorry, just tired."

Buffy nodded. "Yeah."

Suddenly, Oz walked up. He sat down in between Willow and Xander, flashing a toothy smile at Willow (which she returned gratefully) before turning to Xander.

"So, I went to Giles's house last night like you said, and I found all of these books and papers on research about Ouija boa—"

"Yeah," Xander said, cutting him off. "That's for a new case we've been working on," he lied. "Listen, I think that Giles was just pulling an all night power study, just like we should have been doing. I think it's best if we let it be."

Oz frowned. "But what about—"

"Leave it be," Xander commanded, more somber than usual. The glint in his eye caused Oz to shut his mouth.

"So, what did you guys do last night?" Willow asked, yawning.

Xander smiled. "Nothing. Nothing at all."

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><p><em>Notes:<em>

Because I don't think Whedon gave Jenny's death enough emotion

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><p><em><strong>Finished<strong>_


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